part 3 section 6

The Chestnut Tree with its endless glasses of gin is something i can look forward to. As i watch the telescreen my anticipation increases. How did that war turn out? i hope it went okay so i can celebrate a glass of Victory(true Victory in this case)Gin with my fellow comrades. I saw Julia a little while ago and other than a quicker beating of my heart i don't feel. My new love for Big Brother is a replaceable kind of love. I have learned to accept and move on because who knows when another rat mask could be heading in my direction. I feel i can still smell their rancid odor and hear their shrieking squeals of delight. My blood runs cold just thinking about it. But then i just look at a poster of BB and i feel a little safer and warmer. My new body feels more comfortable like a warm blanket encasing me. This is the true me i tell myself constantly. Sometimes i think all the things i told them i now believe were false. I just said those things so they would let me go. But deep down i know i would be fibbing. All the past seems false. All those nights with Julia, even the memories of my long lost family, they must be fake. Yeah that's right. They must have just been dreams that are swirling in my memory. What i do know for sure is that Big Brother loves me, Oceania is my only home, and what ever says goes. I need to stop fighting. I need to stop thinking. All i need to do is give myself over and just live.