research paper review

oh what fun this essay was. i have never done an assignment before that put in so much effort. i learned about my stregnths in researching and gathering information. i still believe that my weakness is my ability to truly look at the information/quote/piece of evidence, and say why it is important. i found it quite difficult to keep my thoughts in line with my thesis. i worried i would get off track, like how ms. Gerber explained one of her 10th graders did. it will be so exciting to see what i got(well only if it is good) because i know that grade will reflect how i really did try my best. In the future i need to remember to take more time on say/mean/matter. just sit down with all of my quotes and really reflect. Honors class has taken a whole different meaning now. it is not just read a couple difficult books. it is also the grueling mla as well as six pages on a controversial topic. i am glad the topic(controversial)was so open because i was able to choose something to write about that i felt passionately towards. As a student i can be lazy sometimes, i don't always feel like giving something 100% of my attention. but there was no slacking off in this project. The school year is almost over, which means it is on to bigger and better things...like 10th grade english honors. Just the name frightens me. I know next year's class will be even more rigorous but i know if i take my time i can succeed. i think a clean slate will be good for me next year. my silly mistakes as a freshman behind me, there will be nothing i can't do. Next year's research paper i must remember to plot out and plan more(outline)for the essay. know exactly what i am going to say BEFORE i jump into it!

part 3 section 6

The Chestnut Tree with its endless glasses of gin is something i can look forward to. As i watch the telescreen my anticipation increases. How did that war turn out? i hope it went okay so i can celebrate a glass of Victory(true Victory in this case)Gin with my fellow comrades. I saw Julia a little while ago and other than a quicker beating of my heart i don't feel. My new love for Big Brother is a replaceable kind of love. I have learned to accept and move on because who knows when another rat mask could be heading in my direction. I feel i can still smell their rancid odor and hear their shrieking squeals of delight. My blood runs cold just thinking about it. But then i just look at a poster of BB and i feel a little safer and warmer. My new body feels more comfortable like a warm blanket encasing me. This is the true me i tell myself constantly. Sometimes i think all the things i told them i now believe were false. I just said those things so they would let me go. But deep down i know i would be fibbing. All the past seems false. All those nights with Julia, even the memories of my long lost family, they must be fake. Yeah that's right. They must have just been dreams that are swirling in my memory. What i do know for sure is that Big Brother loves me, Oceania is my only home, and what ever says goes. I need to stop fighting. I need to stop thinking. All i need to do is give myself over and just live.

part 3 chapter 5

The pain. I love o'brien for stopping the pain that made its way up my body. The pain that shocked me to screams of begging. "Stop just stop." and after the pain came the rats. I thought 75 on the dial was bad but when i saw those nasty varmints in the cage my blood curled within and i stopped breathing. The one thing that would make me go against Julia is the rats. With their beady eyes and yearning for my eye balls, i couldn't go through with it. I would die for the Brotherhood. That is what i thought. When i found that wasn't true i thought, well at least i could die for Julia.I wouldn't give her up no matter what. But i said Do it to Julia!Do it to Julia. How could i. Looking back i am ashamed; completely and utterly ashamed. When o'brien heard those words he knew i had changed. All those hours of torture had paid off and i had given the party my soul.

How could I?

part 3 chapter 4

The pain has subsided and thoughts are clearer. Food has never tasted so good before. That constant ache in my stomach prior was always a reminder of where i was and what i was in for. All the chores i had taken for granted like bathing feel like a treat now. When i look at my body the bones aren't as prominent. As i let my hands graze my body i feel the hard muscle beneath my veiny, white skin. I have no sense of time. I can not tell if it is morning or night, Wednesday or Friday. But it doesn't matter. The time has no effect on me living or dying. I lay here thinking, dreaming, eating and waiting for the next meal.

I try out new ideas in my head like trying out a new bicycle. 2+2=5. It feels funny like the new denchers i wear. if i tell myself it is true and there is no alternative then there can't be. Everything depends on me. That is what o'brien tells me. I make the decisions yet i have been stripped of all rights. And when i thought of Julia and the terrible mistake i might have made i had to take two steps back. I had been behaving so well and i ruined it for myself. "Room 101" he said. and i started to tremble.

part 3 section 3

The party's goal is only to have absolute power. That is what he wants me to believe and i must or the pain will intensify.What i have realized is i wanted to trust O'brien prior to getting caught because there just wasn't anybody else. When i saw that ray of hope i pounced on it like a hungry tiger. My actions were quick and stupid. I wanted it too much. So now here i am- a total idiot and literally dying before my very own eyes.I am eager to believe slogans and rhetoric now. Who have i become? The diary is all i have left and i know they will take it away from me. For now they are probably thinking o what the hell, there's nothing worse he can do. They are trying to morph me into someone unrecongnizable, not physically but internally. They don't want me to just confess and say i believe all their lies but to ACTUALLY believe it. What will i do? Who can i turn to? no one

part 3 chapter 2

i don't know what is right and wrong or what is up and down? Nothing seems to be clear any more. As i sit here writing there is blood oozing from my forehead and just gripping the pencil is sending shocks of pain up my arm. But it is nothing compared to what i have had to endure today. O'brien tells me 2+2=5 and i say fine. I find i love him because he holds the power of the pain. The dial turns up and i can only squeeze my eyes shut and wait it out. My body spasms and all i can think is doublethink-wait where was that memory. The past seems to just disappear now. where does it go? Down the hole with the discarded papers in the memory hole. I am terrified not only for myself but for Julia.

part 3 chapter 1

ha!the place where there is no darkness. i suppose this is just not what i had in mind. As i sit here deeply afraid within the only thing i can think of is betraying Julia. Will the physcial pain be too much to endure? i wish the Brotherhood would slip me a razor blade so i could just end it now at my own terms. What awaits me is unsure. People are constantly uprooted from the cell and dragged to room 101. What lies in there makes my hands sweat just thinking about it.

Now i know there will never be hope in this world. I thought there was 2 people i could trust-Julia and o'brien. Well, surprise, surprise. I can scratch one name off the list...o'brien. he walked into the cell and i believed he was captured as well. I was wrong. He is an operative of the Ministry of Love. He is with THEM!

part 2 chapter 10

I am barely able to be writing in the diary right now but i felt it was my duty to continue. I am doomed. Doomed to death but before death will come the torture. I can not get around it so i might as well accept it now. There will come confessing and it will be fine. As long as i can keep my loyalty to Julia there is nothing they could do to me to internally change me.

i thought there was people in this world i could trust like Mr. Charrington but i now know i was uterly wrong. It is actually a little embarrising. I should have known. The man seemed to look away when he realized he was rooming an illegal affair couple. he was too nice. that is a disgusting thing to say but it is all too true.

part 2 chapter 9

The sense of exhaustion is so overpowering; i have feelings of is it really worth it? And then i think of Julia and i warm just a little. This numbness from overworking is really taking its toll. Hate week is in full swing now.

How can we hate one super country and suddenly-within 2 seconds not hate them but hate Eastasia. The party "changed their minds" i suppose. It is the easiest way for me to wrap my head around. But i just don't understand. The peoples' oblivion, passiveness, and state of carelessness enrages me.

i have finally read Goldstein's book that was stealthily handed to me just as O'Brien said it would be. Wow...that's all i can say. Most of the information that was written i had some sense of knowledge but to actually see it on paper makes it that much more despicable. What a lousy place i live in with lousy people and morals.

part 2 chapter 8

Anything to defeat the party. That is my standard. seeing O'brien again has truly excited me. Julia and i met him at his mansion-like house. i was willing to risk danger to get their but truthfully i was nervous for Julia. But she was hard-headed and told me otherwise. We did go from different routes though but if anyone was suspicious they easily could have followed us. Within the house my nerves settled a little. I could not wrap my head around it when he turned off the telescreen. he turned it off! Because of his higher status i guess the Party trusts him a little more. But he did say that it couldn't stay turned off or they'd start to wonder. But with that one moment i knew there was hope. If that had to be the first step then that's what it would be.

Without any doubt or second thoughts i tell him all. I confess to all my rebellious thoughts. I tell him the hatred within me and all my feelings to what is going on. I feel with his nodding of the head he agrees. And then the warnings follow. he tells me of the danger i am getting myself into. I will have to do terrible things: cheat, lie, KILL. But it will be worth it. Worth it to finally meet in the place where there is no darkness. he tells me i will soon be receiving a copy of Goldstein's book, the manifesto of the revolution. With some last encouraging words that O'brien and i might meet again some day, Julia and i go our seperate ways. As i reflect on this meeting, i am mixed with optimism and fatalism. The good that i know will occur can only happen with some well needed punishment.

i told o'brien that i will endure any torture if i were captured except going against Julia. I may be guiless but the power of the party is no match. Bring it!

part 2 chapter 7

A disturbing feeling washed over me when i woke up this morning. The dream last night was too much to handle i suppose. Without dreams to dig up the past i would be nothing. So last night i dreamed of my family:my mother, my baby sister and i. The knawing feeling of hunger was always there. That is what i remember most. The obsessiveness of food. Where's the food? Can i have more? No? Well, i need more. I feel terrible; depleting them of their food just so i can be a little less empty. My baby sister with those innocent eyes watching me with the chocolate close to my mouth. Food meant survival and i wanted to live. These actions have scarred me. If i had only known the consequences... maybe i wouldn't have been an orphan.

The maddening feeling of hatred scares me sometimes. The party weakens us every day. They deplete us of our emotions till there is nothing left except bones and flesh. Within it is empty. We are robots with voice boxes programmed to repeat whatever they say. The proles, like i have mentioned numerous times, don't know how lucky they are. They ARE humans. Us? WE are the robots.

part 2 chapter 6

It has finally happened. The moment i have been waiting for, dreaming of for a long time. O'brien contacted me. with his confidence and poise, i have no suspicion in him. I feel i can trust my life with him. I take my soul and put it in his palm. If this ends with the Ministry of Love and death, so be it.

O'brien is a clever man. He alluded to Syme and then complimented me on my newspeak articles. I feel honored because i do spend so much time on those articles but know it is only part of a plan that is brewing. he wants me to come to his home to pick up a new edition of the dictionary. This meeting with O'brien leads down a path that started with my first rebellious thought-down with Big Brother. That day our eyes met, i knew that there was something. Something that down the road could change our society. My goal that i keep in the back of my mind at all moments is the dream where he says " we will meet in the place where there is no darkness." it is still opaque but the darkness i assume to be the corruptness that seems to follow the citizens of Oceania around like a hungry puppy.

At the pit of my stomach is fear. Fear of the unknown. But there exists no fear if i want change. Change is a mystery. We will never know how it

part 2 chapter 5

Syme was the idol citizen. he followed all the rules and loved everything about Oceania. He couldn't wait for the hanging and perfecting newspeak was his passion. But i was not surprised when he vanished. he thought too much. That is the rationalizing i use with myself. I may be his opposite but my passion is hidden within me, internally bubbling while he is constantly erupting.

There is so much i wish could be altered about my life to make it better. Well,not necessarally better but more tolerable. If Julia and I were married i could live with her with a clear conscious. Or what would be EVEN greater is if i were a Prole, living without restriction. Altering my identity could be the greatest decision. I would hide away with the singing ladies for a while, lay low. My life could revolve around the excitement of the lottery...o' if it were only possible.

Being with Julia more and more has made me realize that she is wise beyond her years. She has many questions regarding life that i never thought to or wanted to ask myself. She questions the idea of war. Is war something the government sets up to keep us in line? Do they drop the rocket bombs on us to keep a little fright in our lives?I am a bit annoyed with her though, where is her sense of concern?

part 2 chapter 3

Having to go back to the "real world" is a true wake up call. Having Julia nestled in my arms, all thoughts of the party and Big Brother were gone. But once back in the city, it is like a cramped cage in a dark room. All i can think about is when i will see Julia next which is quite dangerous. I hope i don't come off as a struck-by-cupid guy to the people watching me through the telescreens. Facecrime has always been an issue. The slightest twitch of the eye can engender suspicious accusation. And now with my lovey dovey goo goo eyes i must be even more cautious. I yearn to get a heavy rock and hurl it at the telescreens, crushing the machine along with any other watchful eyes. I want to barbarically tear down all "Big Brother is Watching you" posters and watch them burn in the flames of a fire.

Talking with Julia, it seems i love her even more. I empathize for her having to live with a bunch of women who spit back whatever the Party tells them. She wants everything as simple as possible. Even though her beliefs are a little different than mine, i feel i have a powerful enough voice to maybe change her. Not in a brainwashing way, just a rational laying out the wrongdoings of our society.

I told her the story of the time i was hiking with Katherine and the community. The two of us had gotten lost, so we were absolutely alone. She was leaning over the cliff and in that moment i knew i could push her over and no one would ever know who did it. "why didn't i?" Well, i honestly don't know. Julia and katherine couldn't be more oppoiste and as Julia drew a map in the dirt showing me how to get home safely, i just wanted to kiss her and never let her go.

part 2 chapter1

I haven't felt a woman's hand since katherine. I don't know what to think. I don't even know her name but i feel this crazy sense of connection with this woman. A great wave of thankfulness washed over me when i opened the note she had secretly given to me. Those three words "i love you" could have been the least expected words i have ever received. i can't make heads or tails of this situation because i just can not fathom why she would be attracted to me. Me? Winston? Knowing that there truly is a person out there who cares for me gives me desire and purpose to live. The party doesn't care about my well-being or my feeling, none of my comrades from work do. No one thinks of me in their spare time until along came the mysterious girl with the luscious, dark hair.

We met in victory square where the masses of bodies surrounded us like a cocoon. A safe cocoon where no one could see us. We touched hands and a current of what felt like electricity raced throughout my body. i Want her. she told me an intricate list of directions to a place where we can finally be alone. The anxiety is killing me. maybe this will finally be my chance for freedom.

part 2 chapter 4

I am so grateful for Mr. Charrington. It is recklessly dangerous, though, meeting in the Prlitarian London. If there are any spies here we are all screwed. I have already told Julia that we are the dead. There is no getting around it. Yet my love for her hides all aspects of danger. As i stood in the upstairs attic room, i imagined Julia and i waking up every morning together in that bed, a normal couple to say the least. Its antiqueness makes it that more compelling. Knowing that those artifacts saw the past before the revolution makes me excited. IF only they could speak, tell me their story and what they have seen.

It has been difficult to meet lately what with Hate Week just around the corner. All those extra hours away from Julia make me want her even more.

His room that we are renting is the only sense of protection i have. I hate those telescreens, the watchful eye, the nasty shouting that always keeps me in line. Those creepy spies and posters of BB... i hate it all.

So as i sit here with the diary open and my paperweight by my right hand all i can think of is Julia and i trapped in that glass figurine. us simulating the coral with the thick glass as our protection from the truths of this horrid world.

Part 2 chapter 2

I have never felt this before. this sense of i am actually worth something to someone. Julia is more than i ever could have imagined. Even if she is 26 and i am 39, we were meant for eachother. That is not cheesy in the slightest. Meeting her has aroused my rebellion even more, to the point of no turning back. i know what i am doing now will kill me, there is no doubt about it. So i must make the most of it. In a perfect world we would run off to some far away land, away from the inner party, Big Brother, and the oily gin. It would only be Julia and I, along with all the real coffee and white bread we can eat. WE would be hunted down, though. Deep down i know we will always be found, always be tied by a leash. The people know nothing yet. Our first meeting was the most adventure i have ever had.The sense of rush, walking away from the normal was empowering. I am real and not just something the Inner party created in a laboratory. I must do something.
I can't stand not seeing her. We can't meet ever. Only our hands come in contact secretly every once in a while. They monitor the mail, sneaking their dirty hands inside the letters to make sure we aren't transmitting secret information. The corruptness.

diary part 1

I open my eyes every morning and hear the blaring wake up call. What’s the point is usually the first thought that crosses my mind. Waking up in Victory Mansions is anything but victorious. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom but what really gets me angry is for most of the people around me they don’t feel the same way. They think this is normal; the smell of cabbage, the hungriness in their stomach, everything. But I know what’s really going on. Big Brother, he doesn’t intimidate me. But I can’t let anyone else know or I’m a dead man. The telescreens watch me every second of every day. I can’t get away, I’m never alone. What I’m doing right now will kill me sometime or later. But I feel I must do this for future generations. I went to the flee market and bought this diary and a sense of freedom washes over me when I write. This feeling, it is addictive yet frightening. Everyone should feel it.

The one thing I feel I can look forward to is a sense of purpose and I get that at Ministry of Truth where I work. I know deep down that the information I am changing is a lie, but isn’t it all? Isn’t it all a lie. So I don’t really care if the light looks better for Big Brother because everything he says seems to come true. I wait for the paper rolls, that is my life. The cubicle is menacing and lonely and the people, they are vicious. They peer at mr from over their work, thinking that I am the traitor. The girl with the dark hair gives me such fury it scares me. She wears the same non-figure flattering overall with the red sash indicating anti-sex. I hate her for it. The government is stupid. Yes I said it. They want to wipe out sex, one thing that is worth living for in what has become of this world. But in the end she intrigues me.

The girl with the dark hair follows me. She knows what I am up to, I just know it. She’s going to rat me out. I’m going to die. But what if I kill her first?

The government treats us all the same. Even if some of us are more physically capable than others. My ulcers are painful beyond words. The searing pain that is accompanied with physical jerks in the morning are unbearable. But can I do anything about it? NO! No I can’t because this is a messed up place. The trainer yells at me, “Smith, reach. Smith try harder. Smith be normal.” But I can’t. Because I am different.

Proles have it lucky. They don’t live by Big Brother’s standards. I wish I were a prole. Well, maybe not but I can only imagine how much easier they must have it.

just a test

want to see if it works