part 3 chapter 4

The pain has subsided and thoughts are clearer. Food has never tasted so good before. That constant ache in my stomach prior was always a reminder of where i was and what i was in for. All the chores i had taken for granted like bathing feel like a treat now. When i look at my body the bones aren't as prominent. As i let my hands graze my body i feel the hard muscle beneath my veiny, white skin. I have no sense of time. I can not tell if it is morning or night, Wednesday or Friday. But it doesn't matter. The time has no effect on me living or dying. I lay here thinking, dreaming, eating and waiting for the next meal.

I try out new ideas in my head like trying out a new bicycle. 2+2=5. It feels funny like the new denchers i wear. if i tell myself it is true and there is no alternative then there can't be. Everything depends on me. That is what o'brien tells me. I make the decisions yet i have been stripped of all rights. And when i thought of Julia and the terrible mistake i might have made i had to take two steps back. I had been behaving so well and i ruined it for myself. "Room 101" he said. and i started to tremble.